My name is Cassie and I’m 32 years old. There’s a lot of irony in our story. I’m a therapist, and my thesis for my masters was “The use of art therapy and perinatal loss”. I spent months researching and reading about miscarriages and loss. I spent time and worked with multiple women in my life and listened to each of their experiences with miscarriages, including my mother. I knew the statistics off the top of my head and yet I thought we were untouchable.
My husband Mike and I dated for about 8 years before getting married in 2015. We spent a year or so as newly weds and were so excited when we decided to start trying for a baby in 2017. The first few months of trying were without any of the tricks of tracking, ovulation kits, or temping.
It took us months, but we finally got a positive in November of 2017. We were beyond excited to share the news with our family and friends, especially being engulfed in the holiday season. Mike and I went in for an ultra sound on January 22, 2018, I was 11 weeks. I remember laying there thinking about when we could find out the sex of the baby, when we were told there was no longer a heart beat. We were devastated, I cried for days, awaiting the D&C. With all the knowledge on the topic, I never thought a miscarriage would happen to us. The weeks after are a blur, lots of tears. I remember my mother telling me “people are going to say a lot of silly things because they don’t know what to say”. This was so true, I’m grateful to have such a strong support group but a lot of comments stung. This entire process tests your patience and strength. Luckily mike and I only grew closer. It took me 6 weeks for my period to return and we were eager and determined to try again. We were given so much hope that a viable pregnancy can happen after a miss and so many women experience one.
We got pregnant the next month in April 2018, only to quickly lose the pregnancy- given the label “chemical pregnancy”. I was angry now, and threw myself into reading, tracking, temping, and of course ovulation kits. I felt consumed with loss and failure, I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant. We continued to try on our own and finally made the decision to see a fertility specialist in August of 2018. We went through all the testing, given positive results of “you’re both young and healthy” and decided to begin with IUI’s. I got pregnant again that September before even receiving treatment, only to miscarry again at 5 weeks. Each time we became pregnant, I always think this has to be it. We continued with the fertility treatments, with 1 failed IUI and having to skip a month due to a cyst on my ovary, I have PCOS. Mike and I took a trip to Arizona to relax, I didn’t even pack my thermometer- I was ready to check out for a bit. We again got pregnant, and found out right before the holidays. I was scared shitless but excited and couldn’t help but become more and more hopeful as each day passes. We were now in the hands of a fertility specialist and had weekly ultrasounds. My levels were finally climbing appropriately, doubling and tripling- numbers that I hadn’t seen in a while. For support they prescribed me progesterone injections, which I was given 1x a day. They hurt and I had a black and blue behind but I didn’t care as long as my baby was healthy. Week 8, I went to my appointment with my mom, we were told the sac was oblong in shape and the baby’s heart rate was low and slow. I broke down all over again, as my doctor told me I would most likely miscarry. I went home and laid on our couch for a week. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything in fear that I would start bleeding. I made it to week 9, only to find out that the baby’s heart beat was gone. The date was January 22, 2019, exactly one year from our first miscarriage. My D&C was scheduled for the next day. So here we are, heartbroken all over again, praying and hoping for a healthy pregnancy and our baby. Be kind to us 2019!
You can follow Cassie's journey to mamahood on Instagram at caska17