Hi. My name is Erin and I have been on this TTC journey for 2.5 years. My story is a little different in that I have twin 8 & ½ year old girls! And while they were conceived via IUI, it was MUCH easier getting pregnant with them! In fact, I ended up pregnant with triplets! However, the Dr. advised for us to get a reduction since my life, as well as the babies’ lives were at risk. So we did, at 27 (me) and 31 (husband) we went to LA (we live in Encinitas CA) and had to go through one of the most traumatic things we’ve ever had to go through. But we grew closer, we had our girls and were very happy with just the two until they were about 6 years old. My ovaries kicked in.
We knew we had to go through treatments again since I don’t get a period on my own. So, we decided to “do IVF” and end up pregnant three months later, right?? NOPE! We were very naïve and had no idea we would still be on this journey today.
Our first two transfers didn’t work, we had done an egg retrieval before each transfer and had yielded one embryo both times, after PGS testing was complete. It was so trying, and we were exhausted mentally and physical and financially! Nick, my husband, was just starting his business so it was hard to juggle that and IVF without ending up arguing about what to do next all the time. So, we tried one round of IUI and two weeks later AF came. We took a break that summer, we all needed it. I discovered acupuncture and myself again! I was so happy to have a little break even though I was counting down the days until we got to try again.
We switched doctors because we were not happy. I literally had seen my RE 2 times in one year! So we made the switch and are very happy. Anyway, I got pregnant in December 2018! We had done another cycle at this new clinic and had 3 good embryos. We decided not to test this round for different reasons, money, time and just trying to do “something different.” We were so happy!! All scans looked great, until the 8 week scan. My world collapsed when our doctor says “I’m so sorry, the baby has stopped growing.” I remember holding on to Nick’s shirt for dear life. I couldn’t move from the chair but also felt like I was falling off it. I couldn’t breathe and to top it off we had to tell our girls. We made the mistake of telling them we were pregnant at 6 weeks, after seeing the heartbeat, so now we had to crush their little souls. I felt like the worst mom ever. We all cried that night and I promised them one day we would have a baby. We also decided we would be a lot more honest with them because they had been so worried for me every time they had seen me cry or go to the doctor so much. Again, so much mom guilt, this literally was the worst moment in my life by far.
But we learned a lot. We are open with them and tell them we have to get checked up to make sure we can have a baby! They seem to be ok with that. Oh, and I even told them I was writing a book (my blog) about how hard it is to have babies for some people. Honesty within reason is our new motto.
My miscarriage lasted 3 months. I took misoprostol and bled a lot. I went in for my follow up scan and my RE said there was still a lot of tissue left. I took another pill. That time I bled through 4 pairs of pants and my bed sheets. It was a nightmare and I lost so much blood I counts get up to walk the next day. But I finally thought it was over. I was wrong. My HCG levels had gone up to over 40,000 and they were dropping very slowly. We weren’t sure why. Finally, at the end of march 2019 (I miscarried in January) the Dr. found more tissue. I was so discouraged; I couldn’t put this behind me! So, we scheduled a D&C and finally ended this nightmare. We moved into our next transfer that May. It failed and we didn’t have any eggs left (we ended up testing the remaining two but we only had one normal one). So onto our 4th retrieval.
We had good success and numbers! We ended up with 3 PGS tested normal embryos, transferred one in August, but that also failed. My Dr. ran an MRI and found some form of Adenomyosis and an inflamed uterus. So I was on Letrozole and neothindrone for 2 months. Finally I am now on the road to transfer #6. But its been a long road to say the least.
It’s been a long road on my body, but more so on my mental state. For one, I feel so guilty being a mom and fighting to have one more. I know what people say and while I shouldn’t let it affect me, I’m human and I do! I also feel guilty because my mind is always so preoccupied with anything IVF. When’s my next appointment, when do I start, what else can I do or what shouldn’t I do. So basically, I’m never present, or not enough in my opinion. I broke down a few weeks ago because I couldn’t take it. I feel like I can’t escape it even if I try and I sometimes wonder when it will end and am I still making the right choice. We’ve put off some traveling, changed plans on the idea of “what if we are pregnant” and canceled on friends and family because I just can’t be around pregnant people, or just some people in general!
The silver lining is that my husband and I have become so strong. We’ve gotten so close in a way that I never knew was possible with us. “I’ve never felt this close to you, I feel like I fully understand you,” is what he said one day not too long ago. My heart melted because he rarely says such deep comments to me. So I knew this was the real deal. And I felt it too. This journey can either rip people apart or bring them closer together. I’m so thankful we are the latter half of that. We’ve become very vulnerable, open and we are both on the same page on most things in life.
So we sat down and agreed 2020 would be different. We made a lot of plans to travel and we will be going unless we absolutely have to cancel, in which case we would be very happy to do so if it meant being pregnant. But for now, we plan life as if its just the four of us, because it is right now! I’m trying to be more present and remind myself that time passes by regardless of how many times I count the days until the next appointment. Time passes and I don’t want to feel like all I did was cry over IVF. I want to live more and that’s what we will be doing. And hopefully we will get our miracle this year, wouldn’t that be the icing on the cake.
You can follow Erin on Instagram at @mybeautifulblunder or on her website http://www.mybeautifulblunder.com/