It was January 2014 when I first found out I was pregnant. It was the day I had been waiting for my entire life… I was going to be a mother! I immediately began planning how we would tell the family and dreaming of what he or she would look like. I truly couldn’t believe it. I had never been more excited! You see, my vision of how my life was going to go hadn’t quite played out how I thought it would. I never dreamt of a fancy corporate career… all I wanted to be was a mom! When I graduated from college, the most logical next step was to find a job to support myself. That job ended up turning into a career that I loved and still love to this day! It was easy to get distracted during those first 4 years of working. But now… now I knew I had arrived at my calling… motherhood!
My world came crashing down the moment the doctor confirmed my worst fear: I was miscarrying. I couldn’t comprehend what was happening… I had no idea how to cope. The doctor told me about how common this was. Common? What? Then why had no one ever told me about it? The next few days, weeks really, were a blur. I was beyond heartbroken.
Nine months later… it happened again. I was miscarrying for the second time in one year. This time was far worse than the first. I ended up in the Emergency Room because the pain was just unbearable. Looking back now, I think the emotional pain was far more excruciating than the physical. After my second miscarriage, my second baby gone at only 8 weeks, I went numb. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why God would allow this to happen, when all I had ever wanted was to become a mama.
After my second miscarriage, my second baby gone at only 8 weeks, I went numb. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why God would allow this to happen, when all I had ever wanted was to become a mama.
Fast forward to April 2016. My life changed quite a bit in a couple of years, and I was now married to the love of my life, Justin. Justin knew before we started dating that I wanted to have children. In fact, I told him I wouldn’t even date him if he wouldn’t consider having kids with me! You see, he has two wonderful children and had long before then assumed he was done having kids. He said he was willing to try and off to the races we went soon after getting married in early April! I just knew this was it… this was the time God would bring our child into the world!
By October, we were starting to get discouraged. We talked to my OBGYN about trying Clomid and she was on board. We started Clomid in October and used it for three months straight. I know some women say that it makes them crazy; but thankfully it didn’t affect me too much. Justin might tell you differently though! In December, when we still weren’t pregnant, we decided it was time to see a specialist. Thankfully, the company we both work for was going to be offering an amazing fertility benefit starting in January 2017! Again, we thought this was it! We made an appointment for January 4th… as soon as the doctor returned from Christmas break. We flew to Chicago for New Year’s Eve and partied our butts off… knowing we would be on lockdown for the foreseeable future trying to get pregnant!
At our first appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist, she immediately diagnosed me with PCOS. She assured me that if there was something “to have wrong with you, that’s the best thing” … Thanks, Doc! In addition to my PCOS, Justin also had a few issues we knew we needed to work through. Nevertheless, we proceeded! We were beyond eager to get started on treatment. Even though it had been less than a year, we felt like we had been waiting forever for our baby. I definitely felt like it was taking far longer than I ever expected to experience motherhood. Remember, I was expecting to be prego at 22!
The doctor suggested we try IUI first. IUI stands for Intrauterine Insemination. This was the least invasive of all possible treatments and she felt confident it would work for us! Looking back now, I appreciate her confidence; but I wish she would have been a little more realistic with us. Hindsight is 20/20 though and it’s her job to make us feel like it’s going to work! She has to believe in what she’s selling, right?! We bought the meds and I went off of all caffeine & alcohol. Alcohol was no big deal… but CAFFEINE? I was dizzy and grouchy for a week! Sister needs her daily Starbucks Iced Coffee fix.
Are you still with me? Exhausting, right?
I was already exhausted and we were just getting started. I cried out to God daily. WHY was He making me wait??? WHY was everyone else getting pregnant? I won’t share the depths of my despair because it’s really hard to put into words; but I truly struggled to grasp why God was allowing this to happen to me. Justin was so patient with me during this time and I will never forget his steadfast confidence that the Lord would give us our child.
We did our first IUI. It failed. We did our second IUI. It failed. We did our third IUI… you guessed it… it failed. Talk about devastation. The pit of despair was my new home.
There was no question of whether or not we would do IVF. It just seemed like the most logical next step. We were incredibly fortunate to have just enough insurance coverage left for one round of IVF with PGS. PGS is genetic testing done on an embryo to determine whether or not the embryo is genetically flawed.
I cried out to God daily. WHY was He making me wait??? WHY was everyone else getting pregnant? I won’t share the depths of my despair because it’s really hard to put into words; but I truly struggled to grasp why God was allowing this to happen to me
We pumped me full of medication (so.many.needles) and off to the Egg Harvester we went! My egg retrieval surgery was in November of 2017. The doctor was able to retrieve FORTY-TWO eggs… FORTY-TWO!! We were over the moon. Until a couple days later… when we found out we had ONE viable embryo out of all FORTY-TWO. Devastation, again. So many tears. So much pain… physical, spiritual, emotional… you name it, we felt it. We just knew our little embryo… our Lone Wolf as we had affectionately named it… wouldn’t pass PGS testing.
Until he did. Yes, he! As part of PGS testing, you can find out the gender of your embryo, too! Since we only had one, we went ahead and found out the gender. Justin and I opened the envelope with the results in it on Christmas morning 2017. It was a beautiful, powerful moment.
We transferred our little baby boy embryo in January 2018 and we just knew this was it. We would be taking our healthy baby boy home from the hospital in September 2018. God was so good! He wouldn’t bring us this far to leave us high and dry with no baby to snuggle and love. Right? Right?!
January 16, 2018: our IVF cycle with FET & PGS failed. I’ve never cried more tears in my life.
We cried, prayed, cried, prayed and cried some more. And then we picked up the pieces and chose to pursue domestic infant adoption. When we considered doing another round of IVF, we just didn’t have any peace at all about it. As much as it broke my heart to know I would never get to carry my own biological child, I knew way deep down that adoption was the path we had to take. It was our path. The right path for us.
We quickly found Faithful Adoption Consultants and decided we couldn’t wait to work with them! The adoption process is scary and hard for all members of the triad (adoptive parents, adoptee, birth family), and we wanted to make sure we had ethical, experienced, Christ following professionals to help us walk a road of unknowns that would hopefully lead us to our baby!
After a TON of paperwork, stress, worrying, crying, waiting and waiting and waiting (surely you see the theme by now!)… we became active with Faithful Adoption Consultants in May of 2018!
We began reviewing cases immediately. My heart was shattered daily. God was allowing my eyes to be opened to a completely different world from my own. I cried and cried and cried some more. Finally though, I was no longer crying for myself. I was crying for these sweet babes and their expectant mamas. I was crying because I wanted those babies to be loved more than anything else… even if it wasn’t by Justin and I.
God was allowing my eyes to be opened to a completely different world from my own. I cried and cried and cried some more. Finally though, I was no longer crying for myself. I was crying for these sweet babes and their expectant mamas. I was crying because I wanted those babies to be loved more than anything else… even if it wasn’t by Justin and I.
And then it happened. July 11, 2018. The most amazing day of my entire life. The day Courtney from Faithful Adoption Consultants called to tell Justin and I “You have a daughter!”. I will never, ever forget that phone call.
Justin and I met our beautiful daughter on July 12, 2018 at 9:56am.
And, finally, I knew why God had asked me to wait for what felt like my entire life.
She is infinitely more incredible than I could have ever imagined. She is our angel sent straight from Heaven and I will love her with all of me until the day I die!
The Lord is faithful. He has not given up on you! If you are aching deep in your soul for motherhood… do not give up! There is no right path for anyone. God will write a beautiful story, YOUR story, if you will let Him!
If you would like to follow Jordan's journey, she can be found on Instagram at adoptingaminimurry