Hello, my name is Laura Vehr and this is our ongoing story of our family. It all started
when we unexpectedly got pregnant, 13 week before our wedding in 2014. The
pregnancy went great besides carpal tunnel in both hands starting at 25 weeks. Since it
was a surprise that we were pregnant, we wanted to be surprised by the sex of the
baby, as well. Then at 40 weeks and 3 days, my blood pressure was high and my feet
were swelling, so the doctor decided to induce me that night. After three long and
exhausting days at the hospital, the baby started to have irregular heartbeats and they
said we needed to have c section right away. At 12:11 am on January 11, 2015, our
beautiful son, Augustus “Gus” Sweeney Vehr was born. He was 9 lbs 4 oz, 21 inches
long and just the perfect healthy little boy. We were so happy, over the moon happy that
he was here! Gus was a wonderful baby and has grown into such a sweet and sensitive
boy. I love being his mom and being able to stay at home with him.
We decided to start trying for his sibling in July 2016. Since we hadn’t tried for a
baby, this was a whole new experience. The innocence of my first pregnancy did not prepare me for the roller coaster of what was ahead for us. I never thought this would be my story but it is. At the end of November 2016, we found out we were pregnant! We
were so thrilled! We found out the babies due date would be August 1, 2017. Then on December 10, 2016, I woke up to some spotting. I called my doula right away and
talked it thru with her. I called my doctor after that and they both said just monitor
everything. We had Christmas party to go to that night and I thought it would be a good distraction. At the party, I remember not feeling right and went to the bathroom and just knew I had miscarried the baby. I did not want to believe it and I was so sad. Then on
Monday, we went to the doctor to confirm. I had passed the baby naturally. We were 8
weeks in and so sad about losing this baby. I had a very hard time processing the loss. I
remember thinking when we were in public, how no one knows what we just lost, no one
knows what just happened to our family. I felt so alone. I still wonder who that baby was,
and who that baby would have been.
We did know we still wanted to keep trying for another baby. Then on March 26,
2017, we found we were pregnant! We were so happy but so scared. During the
pregnancy we had many ups and downs. I had some bleeding at 10 weeks, Gus broke
his femur, I pulled my back out, I had carpal tunnel in both hands, they thought I had
preeclampsia, they thought I had gestational diabetes, but nothing. All these things
were happening and the baby was great. I was really focused on trying to have the baby
naturally and let the baby come when he or she was ready. At 37 weeks, on
Thanksgiving day, I woke up to some spotting. I got extremely scared. We decided to go
to the hospital just to make sure everything was ok. Everything was fine and they did a
three-hour non-stress test. It took three hours cause the baby wouldn’t stop moving, as
this baby never did though the entire pregnancy. They sent us home and said the baby
will probably be coming in the next week. Then 4 weeks later, at 41 weeks, I started to
have contractions. I remember looking up, “does the baby stop moving when you go
into labor”, it said “yes”, so I thought it was normal that I didn't feel the babies kicks as
much. The next morning, my contractions were 5 minutes apart. After I took a shower,
our doula was over and asked when was the last time I felt the baby, I told her I thought
I felt the baby in the shower. She said to drink some juice and sit on the medicine ball, I
did that and still no movement. She didn't seem concerned so I thought it was all good.
Although, my mother was there, and she was extremely anxious. We decided to go to
the hospital to just make sure everything was ok. I still remember thinking everything
was good and how nothing could go wrong, I am 41 weeks pregnant- the baby will be
fine. We get checked in and head to room number 18 to see what was going on. The
nurse came in to check the baby. She used the doppler to look for the heart beat. She
was having a hard time, but assured us that it was fine. They always had a hard time
find the babies heart beat with the doppler, so I thought it was fine too. She said she
wanted the resident to come in with an ultrasound machine to check. It seemed like a
lifetime for her to come in. I got really scared but thought it was ok because I heard an
extremely fast heartbeat that sounded like the babies and just thought the nurse got it
wrong. The resident came in and started the scan and I could tell something wasn't right
and she looked at me with saddest and kindest eyes and said: “I am so sorry, the baby
doesn't have a heartbeat”. It was heartbreaking. A noise came from me that I never
knew I could make. I was heartbroken, completely broken. How could this have
happened? I keep saying “NO, NO, NO!!” and yelling and screaming. My baby was just
fine two days ago at the doctor's office during a stress test. No, No, No. My husband
was heartbroken. The heartbeat that I heard, was mine, it was beating so fast cause I
was so nervous. They took us down to a room far away from everyone so I didn't have
to hear moms and babies. The nurses were kind and caring and just kept saying we are
so sorry and we are with you. I remember feeling like I was in a fog and that they were
not talking about my baby. I just couldn't believe it. My doctor came in to check me and
we decided a c-section would be the best route to go since I was only 2 cm dilated and
the thought of a long labor was just too emotionally hard. They took me to the room for
the c-section and my husband was right there with me the whole time. The room we
delivered it was painfully quiet and still. No one smiled, no one laughed, there was no
happiness in the room. We still didn't know if it was a girl or boy, and then our doctor
goes, its a girl.
At 3:15pm on December 9, 2017 during the first snow of the year, Scout
Elizabeth Vehr was born! She was perfect! 8lbs 1oz 22 inches long with the most
beautiful lips, dark hair and longest legs! Unfortunately, there was a double true knot in
her umbilical cord that when my contractions started the knot got pulled too tight and
caused her to pass. We spent 24 hours with her and were able to love on her and take
pictures and have family and friends come meet her. I was very proud of my baby girl
and wanted to show her to everyone. I wanted to keep her with us forever. I remember
when we were leaving the hospital I felt so empty, my arms were not filled with Scout
who was supposed to leave with us. This isn't how you are supposed to leave a hospital
after giving birth, your hands are supposed to be full. I kept my head down and just
cried. The next couple of months are a blur, I was so sad and broken. I would cry and
cry but I always got out of bed and I always took care of Gus, even if it was watching tv
with him, I was still always there. I had to take myself off of social media and I couldn't
see anyone besides my family. I had to shut it all out, cause my world just stopped and I
need everyone else to stop going but they had to keep going. At one point during this
process, I wrote down everything I was doing to help me which included, mediation,
acupuncture, journaling, talking to other stillborn moms, reading, exercising, therapy,
couples therapy, staying off social media and being mindful of what I did socially. I still
using all of these tools and know when I need more or less of them now, but in the
beginning i was so lost and sad, I could just do one thing at a time and took it moment
to moment. The thing that I didn't know before Scout, was that it is ok to not be ok and it
is ok to say no and to do what is best for me and my family.
We miss Scout always and she will always be a part of our family. The grief will
always be there and it takes daily care to keep going. We are lucky to have such loving
family and friends that include Scout. The grief of losing a child is deep and tough. My
husband and I have grown closer, and have an incredible amount of respect for each
other.
The doctor told us we were able to try to have another baby after 3 months. We
knew we wanted to try right away, but looking back on it now, we were not emotionally
or physically ready to do that, but we tried anyways. The ups and downs of trying after
loss can be exhausting and overwhelming. We have been trying for a baby since March
2018 and are still very hopefully that 2019 will bring us a baby. We started to see a
fertility specialist in July 2018. We started with a different blood work and ultrasounds.
Everything was looking good. We started by taking Letrozole. I had two follicles the first
time. Then we continue Letrozole and then tried Clomid. Every month I would have 2-4
follicles that were measuring very well. We still haven't had any success, but we are still
very hopeful. I am very much looking forward to seeing where are our story goes and
being very hopefully that our family will grow.
It has been a work in progress, and we will continue to have to work on ourselves
because we will always miss Scout.
You can follow Laura's journey on Instagram at lauracvehr